LIDS; SMASHBOX COLOR PALATE IN BOLD, SHIFT DRESS; H&M
I am so great full for this past year. I’ve been 30 for less than a week and already one of the most important lessons of my life has come to fruition. It’s as if turning 30 unlocked some deeper spiritual power, unlocking my inner Goddess. I’ve learned to love myself in a way I didn’t think was possible. These strong, beautiful legs that have carried me for three decades. This skin that has shielded me from harm, radiated warmth to the people I love. These fingers creaky fingers that type legible extensions of my heart. I am so deeply, deeply grateful. I have never felt so connected to my Soul. So eager to learn and connect deeper to myself. I have learned all of these lessons, of course, the hard way. The long hard way. By feeling abandoned, I’ve learned I’d abandoned myself. By feeling unloved it was because I didn’t love myself. Guilt because I couldn’t accept my flaws, neglected because I forgot who the fuck I am.
Looking back on myself I can say I was truly lost. Life lesson: No one can make you feel lost. It is just that you have lost yourself. Your value can never be questioned, never defined. How could that be possible when we are descendant from all the Goddess’ that have come before us. A living breathing manifestation of all the love in the Universe. It is our duty to love ourselves, to realize our power. It’s how we honour the mothers before us. Honor every battle they ever fought, every stabbing unkind word, every attempt to dwindle that ever glowing light. By loving ourselves, I mean truly deeply loving ourselves, we prove that it wasn’t all for nothing. That their sacrifices were worth it.
I’ve learned that there is no good or bad. They’re just is. All the tears I’ve cried, the self sabotaging I’ve done, has all lead me to this point. I will admit it is a difficult one to accept. Takes daily reminding, constant self checking. Gives the phrase ‘check yourself before you wreck yourself’ a whole new loaded meaning. I hope that I’ve gone through this the hard way, so that Reiko doesn’t have to. I hope to her, doubt is a foreign feeling. I hope she wakes up every morning knowing that everything is possible. Either way I’ll be there to redirect her, to remind her of her power because I know that I cannot determine her journey. None of us can change each other, but we can influence each other’s perceptions. We can walk lightly and inspire others to do the same. Be so full of compassion that we ignite others to pay it forward. This post is dedicated to all the women in my life who have reminded me of my muchness even in my darkest times and my little brother who has found his way back to me. You make this armour impenetrable.
Fuck. 30 is going to be an interesting year.
I’m strapped in.
P.S. While editing|finishing this post, I looked up to find that the woman who’d been sitting opposite me (sharing the same coffee shop booth) was full of tears. I had been so into what I was doing I had no idea how long she’d been crying for. I immediatley closed my ipad, slid closer and asked her if she felt like talking. She gave me a blank stare and burst into tears. She looked so deeply hurt. My eyes welled up. I held her hand and we sat together in silence staring out the window. A couple minites passed. Her phone rang and it startled us both. We smiled at each other and exchanged a deep warm hug. I stood up to leave, (I was on my way out before I looked up and noticed her tears) kissed my hand and lay it on her shoulder. She mouthed ‘thank you’ and I went on my way, wiping tears from my own face.
You never know when you’ll be at the right place, at the right time so be water and go with the flow.
Snap by the stellar Kid brother @shaikbundy